he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had