I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
