She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.