i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
