you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
