I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.