Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..