OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
