Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
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I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
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Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation