Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dating After Heartbreak
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
this will be a night to untag.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"