hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
how do flat chested girls get laid?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.