My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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