Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"