I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night