yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Sry I called you an 8
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I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
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happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.