MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.