I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.