the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."