I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
