Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.