She bit a glass in half.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.