there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
sarcasm needs its own font
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?