Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.