found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i came on her dog
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"