So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top