She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out