He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.