we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
