Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
