Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
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At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.