Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
