i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.