I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.