Texts From Last Night

iceman2jmw's Favorites Texts:

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  (786): View more from Florida

  Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.

  (1-786): View more from Florida

  Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?

  (786): View more from Florida

  I insist.

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  (786): Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted. (1-786): Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat? (786): I insist. http://tfl.nu/nbuf
  Replies (2) Good night (838) Bad night (131)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.

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  (256): Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide. http://tfl.nu/ci5k
  Replies (4) Good night (565) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.

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  (520): We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me. http://tfl.nu/rcmo
  Replies (5) Good night (252) Bad night (912) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital

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  (479): I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital http://tfl.nu/kjdp
  Replies (9) Good night (800) Bad night (295)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.

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  (775): Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure. http://tfl.nu/5ngb
  Replies (5) Good night (548) Bad night (168) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.

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  (407): don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens. http://tfl.nu/cd1z
  Replies (8) Good night (1710) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.

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  (510): This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him. http://tfl.nu/bezf
  Replies (18) Good night (1596) Bad night (263) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
  Replies (61) Good night (30578) Bad night (1242) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
  Replies (107) Good night (33068) Bad night (1173) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

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  (250): I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night http://tfl.nu/2rtf
  Replies (5) Good night (1217) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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  (410): I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole http://tfl.nu/hdrj
  Replies (7) Good night (1949) Bad night (520)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Look at your life. Look at your choices.

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  (305): Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up! (216): Look at your life. Look at your choices. http://tfl.nu/vob0
  Replies (7) Good night (1107) Bad night (573)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  You might end up in the wrong class.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.

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  (910): Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class? (919): You might end up in the wrong class. (910): I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class. http://tfl.nu/dnad
  Replies (8) Good night (1815) Bad night (411)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  you were so drunk you slurred your pauses

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  (440): you were so drunk you slurred your pauses http://tfl.nu/u543
  Replies (6) Good night (4247) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

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  (208): We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands. http://tfl.nu/sr1t
  Replies (26) Good night (5918) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
  Replies (67) Good night (12698) Bad night (2188) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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  (919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr
  Replies (6) Good night (3616) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE

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  (925): IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE http://tfl.nu/xvvi
  Replies (15) Good night (457) Bad night (1133) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
  Replies (33) Good night (14239) Bad night (1223) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.

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  (215): hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges. http://tfl.nu/xi1h
  Replies (3) Good night (1366) Bad night (994) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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  (256): You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers. http://tfl.nu/otyu
  Replies (10) Good night (6883) Bad night (1039) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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  (469): Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it... http://tfl.nu/spt6
  Replies (7) Good night (2445) Bad night (497)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.

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  (816): I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey. http://tfl.nu/ef3v
  Replies (3) Good night (1532) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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  (870): Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask? http://tfl.nu/y41y
  Replies (17) Good night (6062) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

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  (845): Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch http://tfl.nu/iuw1
  Replies (20) Good night (2934) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just arrived at our party

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  (708): Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis (773): Just arrived at our party http://tfl.nu/7hao
  Replies (18) Good night (3606) Bad night (596)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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  (732): That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/7vfy
  Replies (10) Good night (9517) Bad night (914) Order T-Shirt
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
  Replies (20) Good night (5939) Bad night (653)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

  (904): View more from Florida

  not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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  (850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x
  Replies (33) Good night (21227) Bad night (1961)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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  (804): My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/bitm
  Replies (11) Good night (2879) Bad night (1141) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
  Replies (47) Good night (8058) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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  (+44): The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps. http://tfl.nu/azhr
  Replies (14) Good night (6601) Bad night (1261) Order T-Shirt
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  (213): View more from California

  i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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  (213): i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now. http://tfl.nu/744a
  Replies (24) Good night (5647) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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  (256): Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment http://tfl.nu/eim1
  Replies (20) Good night (2767) Bad night (1123) Order T-Shirt