i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity