The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i can juggle bunnies
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.