Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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