Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.