he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she told me i tasted like america
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation