i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
R you on birth control?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.