Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Dating After Heartbreak
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.