You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.