Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife