if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
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normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious