She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.