He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early