Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)