I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.