THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL