Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
