I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"