i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now